A

What if our EGO loses its power.

Milady A - Tuesday, October 06, 2015
She He

Let me start by giving you an outline of the situation before I come to my point of today …

My lovely husband is truly the technical brain within our couple. Bitten by all sorts of tech gadgetry, it feels like paradise to him when he is surrounded by wireless home automation stuff, laptops, smart phones, cameras around the house whose activity he can check at all times on the screen in our kitchen – confusing many of our friends as they think the screen is a trendy television in the wall. As he desires to be able to take a glimpse in the data of our home automation tool, at all times, our kitchen was the perfect place to fix the screen, where he, my personal top chef, feels at his best ... and spends quite a lot of time cooking for me.

It is wonderful to see how his beautiful face softly changes into a Happy Face when all his tech stuff seems to function as it should.

However … this aspect can, from time to time, lead to a little, or big, disagreement between my love and I … because technology sometimes fails and tech-failure always happens on a moment where my need is high, and urgent, and absolutely necessary.

At moments of tech-failure, Milady A would rather toss the full set of cables and wires and automated buttons and tech gadgets over the hedge and be more than satisfied with a simple, elementary button which does exactly what it has been designed for: On/Off!

But hey … when everything seems to function as it should in techno-land, my love is oh so delighted.

My darling so badly enjoys his “Toys for Boys” – boys as in adults – that he even linked a button between our garden’s fountain with the amplification of our garden’s wifi signal.

“And so what?” you will most certainly wonder!

Well, according to the technical brain of the Man of the House, you don’t just stop working when the weather looks nice, especially not for people like us who are building an online and writers’ business from home. On sunny days, he likes it so much to work in the midst of nature, in our garden, where he hears the sound of the streaming fountain, and as a cherry on the cake, he gets so thrilled to know that the garden’s wifi is significantly amplified as of the moment the fountain is switched on. A tech gadget which no one is aware of, which no one sees, which is not visible not even for the neighbors, only a huge pleasure for the Man of the House to know that his tricks function as they should in his technological backyard.

To have such a technological brain at home, however, most definitely also has its benefits. First of all, I am more than happy to be able to bask myself at the end of our garden and still have a perfect connection on internet. Secondly, I am over the moon to have my personal Chief Helpdesk Officer who fixes my non-functioning ipads, or when one of my various e-mail addresses no longer synchronizes with the other tools in the house, he solves it instantly, or when I have another splendid idea in my head like wanting him to create a super cool website, totally tailor-made and unique instead of having to choose from those standard websites that everyone seems to use, he gets the job done! Any technological question, whatsoever, can easily be handled by the Man of the House!

He fixes everything! He solves everything!

By the way, from the first day of our relationship, he discovered that the words “I can not” drive me totally nuts because these words are not written in my dictionary, they are just not to be found in there, you can search all you like, they don’t exist!

That surely doesn’t make it easier to live with me, as the lovely man is expected to find a solution for whatever crazy idea Milady A creates in her mind. But, believe me, that is not dramatic at all, because being challenged makes you stronger … many people are not even aware of their unknown or hidden potential until the moment they are being challenged to break out!

That about the technical talent in the life of Milady & Milord”.

Besides being a technical genius, my love is also my personal gps. It is me, however, who leads him into the big wide world and shows him the beauty of our globe; in only one year he has visited 5 continents while he used to take his vacation – in his life before me – at the Côte d’Azur in France, every year again, where he was doing exactly the same thing as he did at home; my goodness, if there was one thing I was afraid of at which we would not match, then this was definitely it!

I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH THE IDEA THAT EVERY YEAR AGAIN I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE MY VACATION AT THE BORING COTE D’AZUR.

Definitely not.

Giving up my huge passion for travel would feel as giving up on myself.

However, this is absolutely not the case, as my lovely husband quickly got the hang of travelling around the globe and feels – also in this aspect of life – totally reborn!

However, wherever we go, HE is the walking gps, my functional road map. Once he drove onto a specific road, he finds it back as easily as the daily routine of going to pick up the mail in our mailbox. Another thing I need to put in the spotlight before I come to my point of today, is his fluency and ease to switch between the two languages spoken in Belgium. He is a born Flemish guy, and at the same time he speaks perfectly French.

So, that is that.

And so … a few days ago, we were enjoying the beautiful nature of the Canadian Rockies and suddenly, walking on a miraculous spot near the powerful Helmcken Falls in Wells Gray Provincial Park, the world as we knew it until then, turned with 180°.

It was me who got the blocked gps back up and running. So far our technological brain. It was me who pointed out that we most certainly should take the opposite direction, at least if the plan was to end up at the parking where our car was waiting for us. So far our functional gps. It was also me who reminded him that a moose - this wonderful animal that anyone travelling to Canada surely wants to meet in the flesh – is called a “l’orignal” in French.

“So what?” I hear you all saying … !

Well, my dear readers, now I get to my point of today!

You have to know that my love does ANYTHING for me … it would definitely lead us too far if I would tell you the (really exceptional) story about all the things he does for me … because my point of the day is not about that.

When we were strolling back on the quiet trail, after visiting the explosive power of the cascading waterfall, I asked him with my playful, somewhat cynical, undertone: “Hey my lovely darling, so what is actually still your role then within our couple?”

You need to know that we – hardly a few minutes earlier – laughed heartily in our car when it was me who got the gps back up and running and when I told him that I would be the technical brain in the house as of now and that he obviously was loosing his French skills since he got back on the right track by exchanging his French-speaking life – which he was living before we got together - for a wonderful life with a Flemish lady, me. Right then, when I took him by the arm and guided us both into the right direction of the parking, my question danced in the air: “Hey my lovely darling, so what is actually still your role then within our couple?”

Although my undertone was obviously funny and teasing, I am still, every time again, astonished by the maturity of this man. He reacted simply with a lovely smile on his beautiful face. A glance of love. A totally relaxed and caring facial expression.

THAT, my dear readers, is really not as normal as it might look at first sight. I am convinced that many men, being-stuck-in-their-large-ego kind of men, would react totally different!

By everything I hear, about relationships and stuff, I cannot stop thinking that the reaction of such an ego-guy could as well sound like this: “Hey you, woman, do you ever realize what I do for you? Do you have ANY idea that I ALWAYS jump when you ask for something! Do you understand that I - me, myself and I – do EVERYTHING to please you at all times!?”

The choice of words can obviously get much worse … I realize that, however this time you will have to invent the words yourself … as I cannot, truly cannot, formulate sentences of potential, ego-dominating reactions, which can be very brutal and women-unfriendly, because this type of vocabulary just does not fit – no matter how hypothetically – as a potential expression done by my love!

You might feel that I bring a simple outline of the situation but my point is actually very grand.

The fact that I can say anything, truly anything, to this man of mine, is truly an exceptional thing.

I have used my well-known talent from time to time with this adorable man of mine, my talent to push exactly that button which might be somewhat painful, because it is right there where the shoe pinches or because it is right there that a certain pain, grief or fear is hidden underneath.

At no time to hurt him or to have him feel the pain, not in a million years would I be able to act in such a way, however I do that to help him, to make him grow, to see things clear, to demolish the thick fortified building of old convictions, built around him, little by little, and have him bloom as the wonderful man he really is.

The fact that this process has been very tough, however very rewarding, will all become clear once you will read our autobiographies, which are in the making right now, however it remains a miraculous thing to me that I truly can say anything to this man and that he always reacts egoless, only out of pure, intense love, because he knows that I say what I have to say, out of pure, intense love.

Here is one of my favorite sayings: “What comes from the heart, goes to the heart.”

And yet … that ego of him … it surely was there … very much so … before I destroyed it with the power of a tornado … !

Click his picture on the right side to read what happens next ... from HIS point of view.

Milady A

In one of my lovely wife’s last tweets, she wrote: “Writing the next #SheHe column for Milady-A.com this week. Discover a #male #female viewpoint on life matters. With @lucdeflem”.

Result: I was supposed to give my point of view about the issues that my sweet, lovely wife just decribed so wonderfully …

However “about what issues” exactly?

About my, indeed somewhat exaggerated, favoritism for technology? About the fact that I like to solve just about anything? About the fact that she intensely - from the deepest of her being - hates the words “I cannot”?

(I surely need to write something more about this matter, because what ‘these words’ have done to me?! I can assure you this story is worth a #SheHe on its own!)

Or maybe about the fact that she can tell me anything she thinks or feels …

Plenty of stuff to feed several #SheHe posts you would think … and that is just the way it feels to me!

And so I just pick one … so marvellously assisted by the suggestions in my love’s last paragraph of her text (which you did not get to see) in which she explains – obviously very kindly – the number of topics I could dig into in my part of the text …

How wonderful is that! A woman who does not only tell you what to say but who also gives you the clear permission to answer in a way she thinks is best for your blog.

I really cannot write these words, typing on my laptop in a cosy brasserie (where the food is great by the way) without a huge smile on my face.

And so, enjoying my glass of Chardonnay, I read her marvellous text once again.

The text is once again truly authentic, in a moving way, because that’s what characterizes my wife all the time, her authenticity!

If things go well, they go really well; if things suck, they dreadfully suck!

If she has something to say, as a response to something I said or remarked, and which did not sound as “right or authentic” in her ears, she will respond in such a way that there ain’t the slightest chance to misunderstand that “what I just said” was more than wrong … totally wrong!
That NOW she is fed up!

Those last words can really shake me up, tremendously, because I always want to have that slight belief there is still a chance … however, when the lady is fed up, she IS FED UP!

When I hear these words, I am having a panic attack … I start sweating … and actually for the better … because if not, I would just keep on beating around the bush … !

There are 2 types of weather conditions in the Land of Milady A, a beautiful, sunny day, and a heavily clouded dark stormy day. And the weather can turn with the blink of an eye!

This kind of experience used to be, in my past life, a dreadful, confusing thing to me, while now, in my current life, with my lovely wife, this truly has become the most fantastic experience. It feels great to not having to wonder or having to worry any longer whether everything is ‘somewhat ok’.

Aren’t I truly blessed?

Ok, I know … that turning point … from one extreme behavior to the other … it is, well, … at least surprising, even confusing and often completely destabilizing (harsh terminology, isn’t it?) for many of us!

But let’s take a look at this matter from a different angle.

This is not just some kind of silly behavior of hers; her reactions come from her deepest, inner knowing and I must admit, afterwards, she is always right.

One moment, things can be extremely positive and the next moment, I seem to get it totally wrong. Totally!

And then I start wondering what I might have said wrong?

Don’t you?

Have you really never wondered: “Damn it, what on earth did I say wrong now?”

Come on, if you are part of the men on this globe who never ever before have been confronted with this very existential question: “Damn it, what on earth did I say wrong?” … then STOP reading this and start your own blog and baptize it as: “The Ultimate Male, the one & only who never felt any doubt about anything he said”.

I wondered so many times …

I also swore, so often, that from that moment on, I would just shut up, I would just keep my mouth shut … anything to keep the potential storm at peace.

BUT that is NOT how it works!

Humans seem to have this built-in-habit to sometimes express ourselves in a shortsighted way, not that we don’t think about what we say, on the contrary, exactly because we overthink instead of feel what we should say or what something is all about.

We think about “What should I say now?” and not about “How does this feel now?”.

As “shit”?

Well, maybe that is exactly what it should feel like!

And so it happened …

I started saying things, and knew after a few milliseconds – (one millisecond is a thousandth of a second, which seems short, but in that short glimpse of time, light travels about 300 km, unbelievable isnt it, to discover what light can do in less time than we need to talk nonsense) - with 1000% certainty that I talked complete rubbish!

What is my lovely wife’s answer to all that nonsense? “That’s BULLSHIT!” … Excuse my French, so for the language purists … : “That is BS!”

My little tiny ego then got deeply hurt … ! Or at least, that’s how it felt in the beginning.

In our first months together I have tried to convince her otherwise … and tried to explain her that she needed to understand me … because I … and that I did not mean it like that … but actually meant to say that … and … and … euh … another amount of total rubbish … or should I call it “BS” myself …???

It has been like that for ages!

What I was told, or what my ego was told, hurt me deeply!

Most of the time, I totally disagreed with what was being said. How was it possible that people, who are supposed to know me, talked such nonsense?

Totally unacceptable … what’s more … totally unaccepted … and in the end, I just stopped listening.

The problem, however, is that you also stop listening to all the things that come from people who still really care about you. If you are lucky enough to still have such kind of people surrounding you, who still dare to say those things, as you did not really motivate them to do so, over and over again.

Yeah, that lovely ego of ours … it really can’t stand a lot of criticism … or it has to be constructive … you must have heard that one before … criticism is ok, as long as it is constructive … !

That seems to be “rule n° 1” in how to treat our sweet, darling ego which we should – at all times – handle with care and total respect.

Today, October 5, 2015, my lovely wife can tell me anything!

And I don’t feel humiliated, less worthy or what-ever-the-words-for-the-ego are!

She speaks, with deep love, to push me “way beyond” my old boundaries with regards to the depth of love that I tought I could give to a woman.

Because that is exactly what real love is all about … having the guts to tell your loved ones what is needed to push them beyond their own boundaries in order to excel themselves, to push their buttons so intensely to allow your loved ones to realise what “loving” is all about, what a real relationship is all about … and yes, this process of opening oneself to “loving in the highest possible form” comes with pain, sometimes rather heavy pain, and sometimes harsh pain … until True Love reveals itself and there is nothing else left than love itself.

And that’s why … then, at that moment when my love asked me what exactly my role was within our couple (you know, that question she asked somewhere deep in the Canadian Rockies), I answered: “Well, to make sure that everything you bring into our couple, finds its place, you need “a couple” and maybe that is my one and only role, to be together with you, to allow “us to be that couple”. And a second later, I expressed my point of view in a more poetic way: “I am the canvas of the night on which you, my star, can shine just the way you are, as a dazzling, sparkling star in the sky.”

(Oh by the way, before I continue … I call it a poetically expressed point of view , however let’s be clear, we are talking here about a poetic, pure reality here.
Being as lucky to be able to live with a woman who IS true love, that, my dear readers, is true living!

At that moment I could not say anything else, be noone else, than just being who I am!

Sometimes we want to upgrade ourselves by what we do, by what we know, by what we have, and that’s how we forget that “just being there for each other” is the biggest gift we can give to the love of our life. That’s what real magic is all about!

I love this lady – and yes, I want to do everything for her and give her anything - but I am no longer afraid to “just be myself” along her side and “just be”.

The thing is, when she sometimes declares my blabla to be bullshit, that does not change a single thing of WHO I AM … because I truly DO talk BS from time to time, don’t you?!

Luc

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