She + He = Wisdom

Milady A - Tuesday, November 17, 2015
He She

My Love,

You are my muse and my inspiration, and while I was searching for a new theme for our #SheHe column, one of your last quotes drew my attention.

Oh what a surprise, I hear you think, but let me try to vocalise my feelings about it, in this case on paper.

“Don’t allow others to frustrate you with their behaviour.”!

A most fundamental truth about how boundaries have to be set when we interact with others. We cannot control how others act. Luckily. But we can, and I admit that it sometimes takes a “certain” effort, control how we react to it.

So, when reading your post and your comments I thought it was time to let your readers have a little insight on how you “know what to do”, and “do it”, no matter how difficult it sometimes is.

Decide for yourself to stay centered in your own energy.
Decide for yourself that whatever others say or do will no longer have any influence on your own mood.
All you need to do is simply shifting your own mindset!

I wanted your readers to know you are not just posting some general truths or copy quotes to fill pages. I know every quote you choose is a personal “life lesson” you learned, and mostly the hard way.

That’s why I feel it is absolutely necessary for them to know you “tasted” them all.

And this one, well, this one is a tough one!

I know how you would love to inspire the rest of the world with your own experience. How you would love them to learn from your own work, so they would not have to go through the same pains as you did.

But it does not work this way!

I love that famous expression about how you can bring the horse to the water but you will not be able to force it to drink.
Mostly I add that if you try to make it drink, you will only drown it by doing so.

So, my love, how do you live up to that challenge?

How did the behaviour of others frustrate you and how did you get out of that frustration?


Hmm … when my own husband already triggers me to dig deeper into the meaning of my own quotes, something is in the air … !

It is obvious why he wants me to write about this, as he sees me struggling with that life lesson every once in a while, these days for example, and he knows that when he asks me to explain how I do it, I will take the effort to figure out where there is still a catch, to grasp the thing in the air, holding me back to fully live my truths myself.

Because that is the whole point: having an impact on my readers, not just by sharing my self-lived wisdoms but making sure that people DO something with them; making sure people don’t just read, think “oh, what a nice quote” and go on with their lives.
It is my deepest aspiration to truly have a transformational impact on the lives of many!

So, my wise husband knows me very well, and has written this first part of our #SheHe column to trigger me to analyse deeper and discover how to deal with this matter when it occurs.

He knows damn well that the lessons I share are difficult things to learn, you don’t just say these words and hop, change has happened inside of you … it takes a bloody hell of determination, focus and will-power to truly change!!

All my quotes, all my reflections, no matter what I write about, everything comes from a personal experience. Something I went through, a lesson I learned, mostly the hard way.

My stories are 100% non-fiction, what’s more they are 100% authentic, although I sometimes would love to disappear in the phantasy world of fiction, like the brilliant Stephen King for example. Writing books that are completely invented in the mind, going wild on creativity and telling a story exactly the way you want it to be, isn’t that the dream of many?

Having a personal place, a hide-away in your head, where you can run to in case of trouble or pain and go wild with your imagination? Creating a second life, as real as it gets!

Me, however, I am not a fiction writer!

My stories are pure. My stories are about real life. My own real life.

My stories are therefore sometimes difficult to grasp as it seems that many of us are experiencing the same struggles and when there is no openess to see the bigger picture, some want to stay far away from the lessons I throw at them.

And so here we are … sitting in my lounge sofa, staring at the words my lovely husband wrote to help my readers but of course also with his deepest intention to also help ME!

I have this crazy, idealistic belief that I can change the world, change people. So far, so good, noone will ever have the power over me to convince me otherwise.

But I cannot change it on my own. The other has an equal part in the process of change.

Each single individual is responsible for taking charge over his or her own life, however when I help someone with all my heart and see that the person is not ready for true transformation and acts completely the opposite of what I advised to do, frustration jumps instantly from around the corner.

I am perfectly aware that it is damn easy to write: “Don’t allow others to frustrate you with their behaviour!”, however I can assure you that my learning process is still on-going as well.

Many aspects became easy for me, for example to cut all negativity out of my life, I do that with the blink of an eye. Our gutt feeling always tells us when we should stay in a certain place or at a certain job or with a certain person … our inner voice always knows and I learned to listen to my heart, to what my feeling tells me, and take action accordingly.

As soon as you focus on “how you feel” instead of “what you think”, your heart opens up more and more and you just cannot avoid any longer to deny all the signals that you receive.

Cutting the negativity out of my life, whether this involves certain situations or persons, became an automatic thing to you, a natural way of doing things, as easy as driving the car. When you grow your self-worth, you just know you have to take care of YOURSELF, in first instance of yourself, cause if you don’t, the negativity will take over and your life will only lead you to more negativity, suffocation and chaos in your life. And then, you certainly can no longer take care of all the others you think are more important than yourself.

I learned that when my mother was suffering from the awful Alzheimer disease. It took me two years of struggle before I realized time had come to take care of myself first. If I did not make my own health, my inner peace and acceptance of the situation as my top priorities, I was about to turn into a lunatic and that was the least an Alzheimer patient needs. I can assure you, allowing this comprehension to become reality is one of the hardest things to do, you feel you give up on the other, but actually you are giving up on them if you don’t take care of yourself first. Thanks to our mother’s doctor, I managed to embed this wisdom into my life and am so thankful to have learned this lesson.

But why did cutting out negativity of my own life became an easy thing? (Well, easy might be a little exaggerated, guts are of course essential … ) But I managed to learn that because I am in charge! I control my decisions! I decide on my level of self-worth and take actions accordingly!

However, what I cannot control are the decisions other people take, or how others let their happiness be destroyed by a low level of self-worth, and this type of behavior can drive me nuts, can freak me out!

Why? Because I so desperately want to help others, I lose a tremendous amount of energy when I see that people, especially when they have a special place in my heart, stay on the wrong track, don’t seem to manage to step onto the other path, the one that surely will lead to fulfillment and happiness.

So what do I do?

I talk, and shout, and preach, and lecture, and moralize about the thousands of lessons I went through … with one huge intention: to avoid that the persons I care deeply about, would have to walk the same journey as I had to.

Unfortunately that is not how life works!

It is not in my power to build the lives of others, even when – in some cases – I would give anything to do so. How much easier would it be if I could just take over, and start pushing the right buttons in life to make a person choose their own road to happiness.

If only I could …

A wise man told me that the tons of energy I give, are useless, totally, radically useless, because whatever I say, or do, or share … the other person will have to be the one who takes charge of his/her life!

I have no control, whatsoever, over the decisions of others! Even when my only intention is to make them extrememly happy!

This insight, this fact of life, is for me a very tough one to swallow!

I have this idealistic belief that I can help anyone, that I can change the mindset of anyone, if only I’d try harder.

Unfortunately, after learning my lesson the hard way, dragging myself through periods of extreme migraines, sleepless nights of worry while creating bigger and better masterplans in my mind to try harder once again, I had to learn that there is only one way, one single way, to stop others from frustrating me when I see them making mistakes or choosing the wrong path over and over again:
“I have to allow the other to live the life they choose to live.”

Today, I was listening to a free 21-days-meditation, called “Become what you believe” by Oprah and Deepak, and exactly today the session was about getting past obstacles and releasing yourself from boundaries.

Gosh, there is no such thing as coincidence!

Oprah and Deepak mentioned: “Peace is created around the peaceful person”!

Read these words again! And again!

They seem very normal, very logical, but when reading thoroughly, I understood the big, wonderful message behind it: When I am at peace, I will look with a loving, accepting manner to the behaviors or decisions of others, and just allow the other to live the life they choose for, and as a result my inner peace can only expand.

We make ourselves ill, we create our own anger, frustrations and worry, and the only thing that can release us from the boundaries we create ourselves, is “acceptance of what is”.

Accept what is, for 100%, and you’ll be surprised of the peaceful feeling filling your mind and body!

That’s my revelation of the day, and I can guarantee you that this peace is a very welcome sensation!

Milady A
Liever in het


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